Thinking Out Loud…
Re-reading my blog posts
Reminding myself…oh yeah, that was what I had in mind!
Reminding myself this is a different day, a different way.
I guess it is only natural to come to the end of a year and look back. Where was I then, where am I now? It has been nearly a year that I have been doing this blog, and I have wondered whether I am still looking for answers to my creative shift questions. Or have I quietly made the shift while hardly noticing.
I am more settled and comfortable in my own skin at the moment. I say “at the moment” because that can change as I shift points of view. But I can truly say I am glad, very glad to be where I am in my life.
One thing that is very noticeable, is the change in how I refrain from putting pressure on myself to be other than what I am or where I am. The decreasing use of “should” has not escaped my notice—neither has the resulting increase in peacefulness. It is about time.
It really is all about time—taking the time to listen, to reflect, to explore and to play. I can say I feel “even”. I don’t know how to describe it any better than that, but it is a good place to be and to begin.
I have always been a planner, a list maker, an organizer, an arranger of chaos. It quiets my mind—which really helps sometimes. But it is also a pretty bossy way to proceed. So I make plans to shut up my inner critic, but now I notice that I am often choosing to forget the plans, the lists, the expectations. What the heck! Who am I trying to please?
And what about the big question? Do I still call myself an artist? Quietly, the answer comes to me. Yes. What I see in looking back over this year of questioning, is that being an artist is just there. It is in the questions, it is in the seeing, it is in the way I do, and plan, and problem solve, and it is in the way I explore and play. I couldn’t get away from it if I tried. Whether it is cooking or politics, bird watching or cleaning, traveling or staying home, alone or in a crowd, it is just the way I am.
After a lifetime of trying to BE an artist, somehow it is more about getting out of the way of the question, and just letting it show up, because it is already there.
I sure hope some of this makes sense. I sure hope it helps to reduce some of the anxiety we feel about who we are and what we should be doing. Being an artist isn’t really a great and pretentious thing to be. It is a way of going about life, thoughtfully alive to possibilities. We can do that.