Thinking Out Loud,
Well, it took me one day to figure out that an imposed routine doesn’t work for me right now.
I can see that that has been generally my MO—set a plan and make myself follow it with discipline and the knowledge that “work” should feel like “work”. My new work routine did feel like work, and I got a start, but it wasn’t enjoyable. I wasn’t even going for the fun part, but I did want to enjoy “working”. Trust me, over the years work has been fun, challenging, engaging, exciting, difficult—all that good stuff. But change happens and time passes.
I guess I want something else now.
Yeah, one of those would be really good, too.
Anyway, by bedtime, after following my new work routine, and after setting a plan for the next work day, I ached all over, felt a bit bummed, and was definitely NOT looking forward to doing it all again the next day. I wondered–what the heck is the matter with me? This isn’t how I want to feel. This isn’t how I want my work to feel. This isn’t how I want each day to be.
I had an epiphany. I really did. I announced to Jim (my hubby)–because I figured he should know it too– I am retired! At first he looked at me like I had skipped a beat, then we both had a good long laugh…(I retired nearly 2 years ago, but I guess it has taken a while to sink in…)
Here’s what I think about it today…I don’t want to work to accomplish something, I want to savor something—my process, my experience, my expression. I want to play! Pure and simple.
I feel light hearted about the whole thing. I feel like playing with the same stuff I have been working with, but with a different attitude. There is no road map for that, no logical following the scientific method, no agenda, no commitments or schedules. But there is curiosity, lots of it. I wonder what will happen if I…?
Anyway, I’m retired from the business, not the art making. I know, duh…